FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
