someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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