My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
