how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
