Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
