"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
