:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
