Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
