so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
True strength comes from lack of pants
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
