You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Is that strawberry winking at me??
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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