White coat. Heels.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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