you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
