i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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