I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
