everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize