I take back everything I said about communal showers
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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