After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
