I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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