She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize