I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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