i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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