I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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