i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
