so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
