so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
