Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
