dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
