You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
