Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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