he puts the penis in happiness.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
