the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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