So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
