The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
