here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
