I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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