from now on my penis is your penis
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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