I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
