so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i think i just lost a toe
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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