i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
