You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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