I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
