I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
