Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
