CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
