her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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