I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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