I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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