so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
