I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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