We won't sleep together?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
