I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
