i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
