even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
