You can't special order awesome
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
