I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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