No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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