look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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