just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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