I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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