96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
