No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize