honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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