your parents love me but you hate me
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
